It’s 6:30 pm and you’re just about to finish up evening rounds and head home for the day. However, your attending has seemed to have found his long-lost friend and is chatting it up about the recent vacation that he took. Five minutes pass, then ten. You’re standing there while the gunners grin and laugh at the lame jokes he’s telling about the small town he passed through. Wow, who gives a fuck?

So it’s now nearly 7 pm and you could’ve been home by now. Nothing pisses me off more than some asshole telling his personal stories on my time. Here’s a tip: Call your medicine buddy on the phone after we get finished with our work. Everybody’s happy and you still get to talk about your recent golf score.

What you don’t realize is that nobody really gives a fuck about your stories. We just want to get the hell out of the hospital where we’ve been for the last 14 hours. You may not have a life outside of medicine, but I do.

Unfortunately, this personal story-telling behavior is reinforced by all of the kiss-ass medical students and residents who pretend to care. They smile and nod, nod and smile. This keeps us all at the hospital as more stories are told and does nothing to get me out of there any earlier. If you simply do not offer any positive reinforcement, the attending will no longer engage in these story-telling sessions. Please, keep your nonverbal communication to yourself.

I propose we take it one step further and give the attending a swift kick in the nuts for each episode where he wastes one minute of my time. I feel that this will help to abate the personal story-telling behavior more swiftly than simply not offering positive reinforcement. Shit, I could be home by noon each day.

As a medical student, you’ll have to take call during your third and fourth year. Not only do you have the typical 10-14 hour work days (depending on rotation), but you also have to study for the “shelf” exam. On top of all that, those assholes responsible for the rotation make you take call. Shoot me now.

Basically, call is crap. I guess if you’re a resident, call is expected since you’re actually doing work and getting paid. Call for medical students, however, is a big waste of time. Nothing says “fuck you” like running scut at 2am after working all day. Ahh, the bliss.
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How many of you guys have “student coordinators” at your medical school that are responsible for running the day-to-day operations of any given medical student rotation? I’m not talking about the program director that is responsible for organizing the rotation curriculum, but rather the person who photocopies call schedules and makes sure that you show up to the “required” lectures.

I know you’re aware of who I’m talking about, so I’ll just get to the point. These are the people who show up to the rotation orientation and hand out informational packets with details of the 5 papers you’re supposed to write and frequently send out emails updating you on any change in the lecture schedule. They go above and beyond the required job description, probably to “exceed expectations” on the job to better their chances of that 3% raise next year.

They are all too frequently “over involved” and spout out rules and regulations of the rotation as if they’re some national law. They require you to write down your contact information so that they can find you at any time. If you’re late to a lecture, they will find you by sending numerous pages and blowing up your cell phone until the battery dies.

I once had one of these student coordinators say to the rotation group one bright and early orientation day: “now you know you must take call every fourth night.” What the hell is that? You’re a secretary for Christ’s sake. You’ve never taken a night of call in your entire life. You spend your day pecking away at meaningless emails while I’m playing scut monkey for 14 hours. You work 9-5, Monday through Friday and sleep in over the weekend while I come in to round.

My point is that you’re a secretary. They don’t pay you enough to tell us when to take call or be at lecture. That information is in that packet that you just gave me and I can read, thanks. Step in my shoes for a day – I’ll be sure to wake your ass up at 2am to watch me do an H&P. I might even send you down for my coffee as an added, but free, bonus.

Oh, and before I forget: Happy Secretary’s Day. I’ll be sure to send a nice warm basket of “fuck you” to show my appreciation for your innate ability to track me down.