Welcome. I’m Your Intern and I Suck

I found this post at SDN today and this newly-minted MD already thinks he walks on water. Sadly, you will most likely come into contact with someone like this at some point during your medical training. He seems to think it is his duty to tell MSIIIs how to act on the wards. It is guys like this that turn into shitty residents and asshole attendings should they choose to stay in academic medicine.

I had a couple of interns like this on some of my 3rd year rotations. No, we didn’t get along. Respect is a two-way street. They tried to make my life hell but due to my motto, C=MD, I could care less. Instead, I turned their games around on them and made their days that much more difficult. My favorite would be to intentionally leave them out of the loop so that they had to gather data or find some tidbit of information themselves. If they were too busy to do this, I would always make it a point to ask them about it in front of the team during rounds. Fun times.

Anyway, here’s this asshole’s post:

Hi soon-to be MSIII’s. I’m your intern, or at least I will be as of next month. I thought I might take this opportunity to tell you a few things about how this next year is going to work. These little gems are in no particular order.

1. I’m not your friend. I want that to be clear. I assume you have friends already. We’re coworkers, colleagues, mentors/proteges, whatever. But not friends.

2. We should be friendly however. If I’m not civil, it may be because I am tired. It also may be because you are stupid, lazy, or a d!ckhead. I’ll try not to be tired. What are you gonna do?

3. Don’t adopt the attitude that you are paying tuition therefore you call the shots. I am “paying” in the form of opportunity cost by accepting this pittance of a salary, and I already paid my tuition, so spare me the drama. We are both in the midst of necessary training, so salary vs. tuition is just a technicality. Accept your role, play it well.

4. My first priority is patient care. PATIENT……CARE…… not teaching, not sleep or eating, not letting you do procedures. AFTER the patients come all of these other interests.

5. At worst, be on time. Ideally, be five minutes early, and don’t act annoyed that eveyone else is five minutes late. Don’t EVER be late yourself.

6. You will get what you deserve, good or bad. If you aren’t getting what you deserve, I will try to intervene to make it so (see #8,9). Good OR bad. I’m no cheerleader, and no saboteur, but I will expend energy for the sake of fairness.

7. I should teach you stuff. And I will. But don’t ask me a hundred questions during rounds. And if you do anything that remotely sounds like YOU are pimping ME, you will regret it forever. I promise.

8. Don’t lie. Don’t be a dick. Don’t feud with anyone. The residents and attendings will discuss you behind your back, and their allegiance is to each other more than to you. Yes, even the a$$hole residents/attendings, because we have to work with each other longer than we have to work with you.

9. Work hard, be enthusiatic, volunteer to do things that make my life easier. I will care more about this than about the text book or journal you read last night. And if/when I’m happy, I’ll create opportunities for you to show off what you’ve been reading about, opportunities to look like a star.

10. If I give you advice about how the chief or attending likes presentations, or how you should be writing your progress notes, just trust me and try it that way. If I haven’t worked with them long enough to know their preferences, I wouldn’t be telling you. And if I have, then you should listen. Bad presentations and crappy progress notes make everyones’ lives more painful, and that pain will trickle down onto you.

11. We will notice if you look out for your fellow students, and if you don’t. We like it when you do. I want my co-residents to have my back, and I want to protect theirs. If you aren’t doing this now, how can I expect that you will be doing it a couple years from now?

12. Don’t lie, it bears repeating. If you don’t know a lab or vital or the PCA data, it’s okay, don’t make it up. If you want a day off, say so. Don’t claim illness or the like. I will do whatever is reasonable to help you get what you want out of this clerkship, but I will BURY YOU if you lie to me about ANYTHING, no matter how inconsequential it seems to you.

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s what’s off the top of my head right now. Any questions? Additions from other current or near-future interns?

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=286825&page=1&pp=25

I’m not quite sure what this guy is trying to compensate for. Either he’s really stupid or he’s got a small dick. Hell, it might just be both.