What Gives?

I was told that delivering a baby would be “the most beautiful thing I’d ever see.” “Yeah, OK” I thought. I already knew from watching that stuff on TV that I most likely didn’t want to have anything to do with it. Bodily fluids squirting and splashing around just isn’t my forte.

Anyway, the time came and I was intentionally slow about putting on my protective gear. I wanted to be at the back of the pack, and at least watch once before I was thrown in head first. “Get up there and deliver the placenta” they said. “Actually, I’ll just watch that too if that’s cool” was my reply.

As I had initially thought, birth was nothing “beautiful” in my mind. Nine times out of ten we’d have some really dirty woman with no prenatal care spitting out their fourth, fifth or sixth child. Beautiful? Nah, nasty is more like it. There’s more blood and bodily fluids from a vaginal delivery than most major traumas. You better put your knee boots on or else you’ll be throwing away your shoes, socks and scrub pants.

With absolutely no intention of going into clinical medicine, who cares if I never delivered a baby while on my OB rotation? The honest truth is that I haven’t. Ever. I don’t care, either. I have no use for the knowledge of delivering a child. If a woman goes into labor close me I’ll just do what every other normal person would do and call 911. It’s pretty simple.

After watching a dozen or so vaginal deliveries, I have to say that they are far from beautiful. Cats, dogs, horses, cows and all other mammals have live births. Why is that a human birth is so “special?” More often than not, the women having the babies don’t deserve to be having them anyway. Instead of humanistic candy-ass liberals we need more mandatory tubal ligations.

OB/GYN

My OB/GYN rotation sucked. Well, they all sucked, but that’s besides the point. Anyway, I got to stick my fingers into nasty coochies that were infested with STDs such as HIV, HSV, and countless others I don’t really care to mention at this point.

You see, the patients that I saw really didn’t give a shit. That is, they didn’t care about their hygiene and I honestly wondered if they had showered within the last 3 days. They were homeless, abused IV drugs, intoxicated by 9 am each day, and had sex for crack. They would also show up for their first prenatal care visit at 36 weeks gestation…lovely. “I want da best for ma baby” they would say. “I betta get da best care for ma baby”.

Do you have any vaginal discharge? Loss of fluid? Contractions? Is the baby moving? These were questions I had to ask, but I really didn’t care about this stuff. I had to ask this crap because that’s what they told me to do. This was the right way to do things. Be honest – would you really care to know about some nasty-ass discharge that some crack whore had for the last three weeks? I didn’t think so.

True story: I was in OB/GYN clinic on the first day of my rotation. This crack whore shows up who’s 37+ weeks pregnant with no prenatal care at all, and it turns out that she’s HIV and HepC + (wow, I’m shocked). There’s no telling what else she’s got…anyway, I’m supposed to go in and work her up, do the pelvic exam, etc. Upon questioning her and finding out that she’s:

1). intoxicated at approximately 9am
2). Hep C+
3). HIV+
4). Has a boyfriend in the exam room who’s also intoxicated at 9am

so I walk out of the exam room and tell the resident “I’m not doing the pelvic exam on this chick…sorry man, I just can’t do it.”

He says that’s cool and all, and I go on about my business. God, I can’t imagine people who actually want to go into OB/GYN.

Until next time,

Peace.